Finding springtime in the winter

In a few weeks it will be a solid three years since my step-father died and I had to walk out of most of my life to manage my mother’s dementia-driven world.  I can’t truthfully say that I provided care because she wouldn’t accept anything of the kind. It was more like walking, and sometimes running behind a toddler with arms open wide to catch her before a terrible crash, or to head her off before some disaster could unfold.  We came so close so many times, but we made it.

Soon it will be one year since she was discharged from the hospital directly into a memory care facility. That sentence makes it look so easy, but it was hard won and excruciating… and it took two years of incredibly hard work, praying, and waiting to make it happen.  Just thinking about that day makes my eyes sting and my chest ache.  It went exactly as planned but it was one of the most painful days of my life–a body and soul searing mix of extreme sadness and the profound and painful release of years of frustration, fear, and fatigue.  I wanted to scream, but it was all I could do just to breathe.

Having a parent in residential care certainly doesn’t solve all issues, but in my case it does offer the immeasurable relief of not having to keep my mother safe at home.  I am extremely thankful to have come this far intact.  It sounds dramatic but so much was at risk, for both of us.

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It is the middle of January 2020.  We’re having snow showers on and off today with bright spots of blue sky and sunshine in between.  It’s typically a gloomy time of year but it’s springtime for me.  I finally feel like there are possibilities ahead even though I can’t see them clearly yet.  Happy New Year.

 

 

Eden

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In the  summertime, particularly during the time approaching mid-summer I find myself fully at home in my world.  I used to think that early to mid-spring with bright bursts of color and surprising weather was my favorite but I’ve come to think it’s just the pathway leading me to the perfect place.

Here in the Pacific Northwest mid-summer dark does not truly come until 10pm or later, depending on where you are.  The air is warm enough to dry clothes on the line within a few hours, or least before it’s time to start thinking about dinner.  The roses are flourishing, flowers are blooming proud, and tomatoes, basil, mint are strong and healthy enough to give off their strong fragrances when I brush against them.  And in my kitchen the first scents of the day, even before coffee, come from the armful of peonies holding pride of place in the clear vase on the table, and from the nectarines ripening on the counter.  Doors and windows open, sometimes all night.  The perfect place, the perfect time.

The calendar says I came back from my mother’s home just a week ago, but it could have been months for all the work of readjusting to my own life and place in the world.  But then the freedom, freedom of time, space, and being and to be at home in my own house, and at home in the season of early summer.  Absolute joy.

 

It’s interesting to think about the freedom that joy brings, particularly when I’ve been weighed down with care and uncertainty.  It feels like my mid-summer Eden-like hours lift the top off the sky and anything, everything is possible.

A Beautiful Day Away–With a Surprise

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Yesterday I celebrated my birthday (a few days late) with a trip to Olympia, Washington with my daughter.  It takes a couple of hours to make the drive up Interstate 5, with scenery that helps to melt to stress away.  I enjoy many things about this town—its waterfront, the proximity to the Olympic mountains, the small town feel with all kinds of interesting places to go, and the beautiful buildings and grounds of the Washington State Capitol.

We went to our favorite place for lunch—excellent food, beautifully prepared, and served in an artistic setting with a beautiful view of the water and the busy marina.  Afterwards we wandered across to the Farmer’s Market which is housed a welcoming and easy to navigate barn like building with more booths and stalls and a performance stage arranged outside.  There are so many wonderful things to see and think about in that barn.  We were amazed by glorious flowers and splendid displays of vegetables and herbs.  All kinds of handcrafted goods called us to see and touch, and we enjoyed talking to the artisans about their work and methods.  We bought a few things: seed packets for heirloom flowers, a 16-ounce bottle of Worm Tea, a concentrated plant and soil conditioner made with worm castings, and a blue lace-cap hydrangea to plant, and I’m still thinking about placing an order with a clay artist for a custom house number sign.

As we went out into the sunshine we had to walk between giant bins of beautifully fragrant apples to get to a coffee stand.  If there was a perfume that smelled like those apples I would wear it.  It was magical.  Just a short distance on my daughter spotted the coffee stand and I saw the happy surprise I didn’t know I was looking for: Poems, Your Topic Your Price.  A young woman sat at a table just large enough to hold her small manual typewriter, with her earned money going into a large sewing box at her feet. I absolutely could not resist.  I asked her about business and she said she’d been pretty busy all day.  I asked about typical topics and she said the range of requests that day had been wide and varied although love was generally the most popular on any day. And so I said yes, I did want a poem.  My topic would be cooking with spring produce, and I would like a mention of rhubarb please.  We agreed that I would pay after I’d heard the poem, and that I should come back in ten minutes.  Deal.

Poetry in Olympia

Clickety-clack, type, type… I was back and it was done. She asked if she could read it to me first, and she held up the small piece of card stock and read:

Shoots rise,

crisp with spring waters.

Leafy greens unravel

magical secrets

of clean blood.

Stalking the rhubarb

to fill the pie,

sweeten the sour

with strawberry light.

Alchemy

of the reborn Sun,

foods forgotten

in winter’s long passing,

steaming fresh as bodies transform

into summer joy.

Seven Bremner/www.yourtopicyourprice.com

I am so happy with this rhubarb poem. I’m going to frame it for my kitchen as a reminder of the great fun of writing on the fly, and of a beautiful day unfolding just when I needed it.

It’s May!

I love this month; I think it’s the prettiest of the year.  There is so much hope and excitement blooming everywhere one can’t help but feel optimistic and cheerful, even in the face of uncertainty.

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Wonderful, magical, sweet scents of English roses and ripening fruit.  The roses smell like a mix of luscious berries to start with, then add multiple flats of strawberries, trays of apricots, pineapples, and melons mellowing and sweetening before the wedding on Saturday. The rest of the array, bright red cherries and various colors of grapes are chilling in the extra refrigerator. This glorious fruit is still a precious commodity this time of year, but at least we’re far enough along in the season for all of it have been harvested in California and Arizona—not as bad as shipping it from South America.

Beginnings:  This weekend, a wedding!  The bride, a young woman in our Family of Friends, raised alongside my own children and loved as much.  I’m not catering the whole reception but I am gifting them with beautiful fruit trays designed to round out their afternoon dessert buffet reception.  Happiness abounds.

Next up to read: Plainsong, by Kent Haruf.  It is a book that was highly recommended to me last year.  I had it on my wish list but had not made plans to buy it until summer.  Then I went to Minnesota….

On a very cold clear day in January I was on a walking tour of downtown Redwing with a longtime friend.  She steered us into her favorite bookstore, Fair Trade Books on Bush Street. It was such a relief to get out of the cold wind, but then it’s always a relief to go into a bookstore, especially one with old wooden floors, big windows, interesting displays and that paper-and-ink smell.  My friend introduced me to the owner and I looked around while they visited.  I wandered back at the end of the conversation and the bookseller said, “I almost forgot your book—I always give a book to first time visitors.  What do you like?”  I looked at my friend and then back to the man and said, “I like what she likes and I’m a poet. I like thoughtful literature.”  The only catch was that the owner would choose the book, and that I would recommend the store to someone else.  That sounded like a win on multiple levels so I continued my wandering while he perused the shelves deeper into the store.  It wasn’t too long before I heard him coming back and he had Plainsong in his hand.  It was a heartwarming surprise which left me wondering, how did he do that? (And no, my friend had never read it either.) If you go to Redwing, Minnesota drop by Fair Trade Books (www.fairtradebooksredwing.com). Maybe he’ll find something great for you, too.

Writing: I am working to stay faithful to my journal which is a challenge during my own very uncertain times.  I feel like I put so much careful work into doing the things I have to do that I forget to write about it, too.  I’m finding that bulleted lists of short paragraphs are working well.  I also wrote a deeply considered letter to the author of a new book, his first.  I loved his book and felt like he’d written with me in mind—he seems to be my kind in thought, experience, and use of language.  I told him so and thanked him for writing it.  Extra points for mailing the letter.

Endings:  First names and lines from three recent obituaries.  The lines made me smile and I thought about these people for days.

Larry, who was a proud grandfather and random conversation artist… an honored husband, father, grandfather, brother and son.

Sybil, who took her coffee pure and undefiled, spoke Cat fluently and knew German, French and some Russian.

Shirley, who in lieu of flowers would like everyone to have a slice of pie and a cup of good coffee with friends and family.

Thanks to these three for their thoughtful lives and to those who wrote so carefully about them.

Anticipation

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My world looks different than it did a few weeks ago.  My sidewalk, street, and neighbors have disappeared.  Branches, nests, power lines and roof ridges are disappearing as well.  The leaves are back; they are lush, beautiful, and full of life but they obscure the view of what lies beneath and behind. I forget and then am surprised at everything that is revealed when the leaves go away in the fall.

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The idea of things being hidden and later revealed fascinates me every spring and fall.   (Sometimes I feel like a small child staring at her hand, turning it over and looking from every angle.  Stopping to look intently and getting a glimmer of something different for just a little while.)

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My life has recently taken some big turns, and the heavy leaves of newly changed circumstances make it impossible to see what lies beyond.  I can only trust and pray as I move forward, because I can’t see a thing. A poor analogy, perhaps, but it helps me remember that circumstances are usually temporary (like leaves), and that things have not really disappeared, I just can’t see them.

As I think about the immediate future I know for sure that there are some very challenging times ahead in my personal life and in my work.  But I also know that I need to make room for the good things—for God’s blessings as they arrive, because they surely will. 

I chose a word to help me watch and wait: ANTICIPATION.  I printed it and put it above my desk at work and I have it at home as well.  A quiet watchword to remind and encourage while the leaves obstruct my view.DSCN1178

Extravagant Signs of Life

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Even though buds and blossoms always come in the spring, every year I marvel that these delicate, fragrant signs of life come from something that looked dead a short time before.  Beautiful blossoms in colors from pale to vibrant emerge from living plants that are usually bare, sharp, and covered in rough, scarred bark.  It seems so unlikely but we expect it, and know with certainty that it will happen.

I wonder at the picture of it—the cycle of extravagant flowers bursting out of bushes, shrubs and trees remind me that hard, desolate, dormant times can produce surprising beauty in us as well.   Shouldn’t we then expect, encourage, and celebrate it in ourselves and those around us?